I’ve never been a rash person. I’ve always liked to first observe a situation and get my bearings before taking action. The frustrating thing about this is that it sometimes feels like things happen at glacial speeds. Then suddenly, the momentum hits a critical point and things are changing at break-neck speed.

When it rains, it pours, I guess. And today I finally got an email about a new apartment that’s becoming available. New job, new school, new apartment… these things all somehow ended up happening all at once. Just like that last time we moved, all the major anchor points in our life – house, school, work – turned on a dime in just a few short months.

I hate moving, but I can’t wait to have a new place. New place means new office. And goddamn, this time I’m doing it right. I’m doing it for me. Some days I can’t believe it took me this long to really discover doing things for me, little gifts of grace that I can extend to myself. I’m pushing forty, but I still feel like an idiot all too often.

I’m determined that the move is going to be quick and painful. I don’t want to do it but I want the prize at the end of it. And I’m willing to suffer for it to be over quickly.

It will most likely mean some time away from my words, which will be the most painful thing of all, but what has to happen has to happen. Now I’m just psyching myself up. I really don’t want to do it. If I could outsource the day-to-day of life and just live in fantasyland most of the time, I’d happily do that. But as begrudgingly as I participate in real life, it’s still a good thing to do so that I don’t become completely calcified as the nocturnal cave-dwelling word gremlin I’ve become.

I’ve spent the last few weeks off-loading a past version of myself because I realised I needed to make space for this new version that just wants to write smutty stories. And given that I only get the same 24 hours in a day as you – and don’t have a clone – I’ve had to make some choices. Hard, but cathartic choices.

And as much as I’m being tossed around like a sock in the washing machine right now, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. It’s just that things have to get a little worse before they can get better. When you can’t go over it, and you can’t go under it, you gotta go through it.

And I’m determined to put on my dancing shoes.


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