Let’s talk dick.
If you’re here for the female equivalent, the pussy list is here.
If you’re a steamy romance writer, you probably won’t get around mentioning them now and then (unless you’re writing sapphic romance, and even then you might find yourself looking for a word for penis!)
The problem: nobody likes the word “penis”.
It’s so clinical. Terribly unsexy. So what else are we supposed to call the, err… esteemed member?
Every writer solves this issue in their own way. Some wallow around in purple prose just to avoid naming the dreaded genitalia.
Some make their sex scenes so vague and abstract so that there’s no need to mention any specific body parts, let alone those body parts.
Others just shrug off the awkwardness and litter their stories with dicks and cocks and one-eyed snakes.
But what if you’re somewhere in the middle of that spectrum? If you want to make clear what body part is going where, but you don’t like to venture into full-out “porn vocabulary”?
Or what if your characters are too shy to call a spade a spade? Or, y’know, a dick a dick. Or what if they’ve got a nickname for it?
In that case, you’re probably going to need some other words for “penis” to write your steamy scenes.
A few things to keep in mind when choreographing your bow-chicka-wow-wow.
- Keep your character in mind. If your character has a gritty background and comes from the streets, they’re more likely to be comfortable with crass language – “dick” and “fuck” might be among the more tame things in their vocabulary. And if your character is a dainty, Victorian young maiden, she’s going to be more likely to be familiar with using elaborate euphemisms rather than coming out and just saying it (“manhood” and “coupling” and “quim” might be more de rigueur for her).
- Use dick words effectively. That means not too many. Often, you don’t need to give the reader a play-by-play of exactly what’s going on and where every single body part is (that just slows it down and makes it boring). In the context of sex “to the hilt” and “he entered her” are clear to the reader.
- Don’t stack your adjectives. The more you heap on top of your penis, the faster you’ll slide into writing purple prose. The more flowery your prose is (be careful of this especially if you’re squeamish about writing sex), the simpler words you wanna use. Focus on the experience of each character rather than the technicalities of what’s going on. Just give the reader enough information about what’s going on in practice to keep them in the story, otherwise focus on what it means for the characters.
Alright, onto the adjectives themselves!
Now, please, take this with a grain of salt. All of these words have appeared in books and in real-life conversations, but fair warning: some of them are totally cringe if you use them seriously. But I wanted to provide a solid list for all kinds of writing situations, so here we are!
- Ambassador
- Anaconda
- Arbor vitae (this means “tree of life”)
- Arousal
- Arrow/love’s sweet arrow (for when you need to go Shakespearean)
- Bald friar
- Best of three legs
- Bob
- Boner
- Bulge (pants still on)
- Cock
- Credentials (as in “his credentials”)
- Dasher
- Delicious stretcher
- Dick
- Ding-a-ling
- Ding-dong
- Dingle-hopper
- Disco stick
- Doodle
- Eavesdropper
- Erection
- Evidence of his masculinity
- Excalibur (wield that sword, bebeh)
- Extension
- Flaming weapon of pleasure (for real, yo)
- Flesh
- Giggle stick
- Girth
- Groin/loins (not for the dick itself, but fine for “heat in his groin” etc.)
- Hammer of love
- Hardness
- Heat-seeking missile
- Heat-seeking missile (if only I was joking)
- Iron-hard tumescence
- Johnson
- Joystick
- Joystick
- Junk (more derogatory than sexy)
- Knob
- Length
- Love dart
- Love muscle
- Manhood
- Manhood
- Master John Goodfellow
- Matrimonial peacemaker
- Maypole
- Meat
- Member (but please, for once, don’t let it be throbbing)
- Organ
- Pecker
- Peen
- Peter
- Phallus
- Pillock
- Pioneer of nature
- Pisser
- Pizzle
- Plum-tree shaker
- Prick
- Promise of future delight (for whom, tho?)
- Raging beast of his desire
- Ramrod
- Red-headed champion
- Rigidity
- Rod
- Roger
- Sceptre
- Schlong
- Schwing-schwong
- Sex (as in “his sex”)
- Shaft
- Shaft of delight (sounds like a modern penis euphemism, but was already used in 1722!)
- Silent flute
- Spear
- Stiffy
- Sword
- Tallywacker/tallywagger
- The bald avenger
- The beast
- The chubby
- The flag flying at full mast
- The love muscle
- The main vein
- The pork sword
- The skin flute
- The yogurt gun
- Third leg
- Third leg/underdeveloped third leg
- Todger
- Tool
- Torrid instrument
- Tower of power
- Trouser snake or one-eyed snake (or one-eyed monster)
- Tube of fire (need to see a doctor for a UTI?)
- Unmerciful machine (what even?)
- Velvet covered steel (uh-huh, sure)
- Virile masculinity (for those manliest of men)
- Wang/Wanger
- Weenie
- Wiener
- Willy
- Winkle
- Wood/woody
- X part of him (“rigid part of him”, “hardening part of him”… etc.)
Names for the penis throughout history.
In Shakespearean English, a euphemism for a penis is “wit”.
Ergo, “the length of a man’s wit” is actually a clever euphemism for talking about how big his dick was. (We’re not even gonna touch Ravenclaw’s motto of “wit beyond measure is a man’s greatest treasure”.)
Shakespeare was the Elizabethan equivalent of YOLO – his work is full of dick jokes, fart jokes, innuendo and is just generally witty immaturity.
Shakespeare wrote for the everyday viewer, and not only are the themes and characters intricate and timeless – so is the humour.
If the bawdy graffiti in Pompeii is anything to go by, we’ve just always had a special appreciation for that kind of jokes.
Ancient Roman names for the penis.
Most Roman euphemisms for the todger are quite boastful, comparing it to a sword or spear, and the like (though that’s not surprising, even by modern standards).
If you really wanna go down a rabbit hole, you can dive into The Latin Sexual Vocabulary.
Some of the highlights are:
- Tail. This is the word penis itself! In Latin, it originally meant “tail”.
- Mentula/mentulae. The Latin word mentula was a derogatory term for the male sexual organ. The word itself is a pun because it is resemblant to the word mentis, which refers to the mind, and coincidently with the word menta, a transliterated Ancient Greek loan word meaning mint stalk.
- Awe-inspiring parts. The Latin word verenda, a rather frequent penis euphemism, literally means “those things which should be admired”.
- The be-testicled lance. This is the Roman writer Pomponius having fun. He made up the word coleatam ‘betesticled’ himself.
- Sparrow. The Roman poet Catullus spends an entire poem describing how his girlfriend plays with her “pet sparrow” and taunts it with her finger. In return, the sparrow “gives her relief from her pain”.
Sparrow, my lady’s pet, with whom she often plays whilst she holds you in her lap, or gives you her finger-tip to peck and provokes you to bite sharply, whenever she, the bright-shining lady of my love, has a mind for some sweet pretty play, in hope, as I think, that when the sharper smart of love abates, she may find some small relief from her pain– ah, might I but play with you as she does, and lighten the gloomy cares of my heart! This is as welcome to me as (they say) to the swift maiden was the golden apple, which loosed her girdle too long tied.
Medieval names for the penis
Unfortunately, most sources from the Middle Ages were written down by monks – who generally didn’t spend much time collecting penis euphemisms. Some words still survived, though:
- Fiddle
- Longplum
- Mouse
- Picklock
- Ploughshare
- Prick (this one was also used by Vikings)
- Spindle
Penis euphemisms in Medieval Arabia
These are taken from The Perfumed Garden of Sensual Delight, a manual for the ordinary married man of its author’s time and place, 15th century Tunisia. Luckily for us, the author also includes a chapter on names for the penis. Some of his suggestions are:
- Baldy
- Basher
- Cyclops (the classical “one-eyed snake”)
- Long-neck
- Pigeon
- Poker
- Ravisher
- Rummager
- Stroker
- Thirst-quencher
- Tinkler
- Weeper
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