I have a history of posing very specific questions to other people (usually the more neurotypical kind) and them taking that as an opportunity to explain things to me I didn’t ask.
They seem to think questions are up for interpretation and they will answer the question they think I’m asking, instead of the one I actually asked.
I’ve been accused of having a “tone” when I get hyper-specific about questions and answers.
I’ve also had people get angry with me for wanting very specific answers.
They’ve also gotten very angry at me for using specific language, accusing me of using “big words” to try and make myself sound smart.
I’m really not.
I’m just autistic and specific information puts me at ease.
So, I use specific language in order to prompt a specific answer.
“How are you?” is an interesting question in the lexicon of language.
And to understand where this ritual comes from, we need to take a peek at the registers of language.
The registers of language refer to the different levels of formality with which one can speak or write, and these often depend on the context, purpose, and audience of the communication.
The concept of register in linguistics is important because it helps to dictate the appropriate use of language in a given situation.
There are generally five recognized registers, each with its own style and appropriateness for different situations:
- Static register: This is the most formal language register, often characterised by a fixed and unchanging use of language, such as the wording found in legal documents, national pledges, or religious ceremonies. The language used in this register is often complex and may be archaic.
- Formal register: This register is used in professional and academic settings, such as in business meetings, conferences, books, or professional correspondence. The language is polite and impersonal, often using full sentences and avoiding slang or contractions.
- Consultative register: This is a standard form of communication that’s slightly less formal than the formal register. It’s used in professional-client conversations, such as those between a doctor and patient, a lawyer and client, or a teacher and student. It’s more interactive than the formal register, but still maintains a certain level of professionalism and respect.
- Casual register: Casual register is informal language used among friends, peers, or in conversations within social media and personal emails. It includes colloquialisms, slang, and vernacular speech. This is the everyday language we use in most conversations.
- Intimate register: This register is reserved for close family members or intimate partners. It can include private vocabulary and non-verbal communication cues that are understood only among the individuals involved.
Depending on how you have been socialised — this varies between languages and cultures — the question “How are you?” may have been frozen in one of these registers for you.
How you learn to use this question is how you understand it.
And for many people it doesn’t register as a question any more.
When you learn “How are you?” as a conversationally frozen text, it means that you’re not asking to find out the well-being of someone else, you’re using it as a greeting ritual.
And what you’re looking for is an answer of “I’m fine, thanks” (and potentially a reverse go-around) so that the social interaction can move on — regardless of how anyone in that interaction is actually doing.
That’s the part that my autistic brain gets hung up on.
If I say “I’m fine” when I’m really not, the social interaction glides on effortlessly, but I’m stuck on feeling like I’ve lied.
What if I’m not fine? And fine to what extent?
What if this is a relatively short interaction?
Do they want to know how I am right now?
Do they know how I am this week?
Do they want to know how things are at work?
Or do they want to know how I am in life?
The answers to all of those questions are vastly different.
Some strategies to cope with being asked “How are you?”
Option #1
The low hanging fruit is to say, “I’m fine” and just participate in this ritual (even if it drives you up the wall).
Option #2
Say something less personal, like “I’m existing” or “Surviving”, if you’re feeling despondent (most people take it as funny sarcasm).
Option #3
You can ask them to be more specific.
“That’s a really big question, can you be more specific?”
If they ask what you mean, you can explain that they could rephrase the question so that you understand if it’s simply a friendly greeting ritual or do they want to know more specifically how you’re doing.
If it’s just an icebreaker, you can suggest they could ask what the best thing you’ve eaten this week was or what the last thing you read about was.
If they want the honest answer, you can ask them to be more specific; do they want to know how you’re in this moment, right now, or would they like to know how life’s going recently or if something exciting has happened since you last met?
Some people will go on to say that they genuinely want to know how you are, and then you’re free to answer that in whatever way you wish.
Part of my masking behaviour is to try and do the right thing.
I like rules and following them.
Rules and expectations put me at ease, because I know what’s expected of me.
It’s why I like animals, they just want you to be consistently honest every time and always work towards your calmest self.
But if I do that with people, they sometimes create their own interpretations of what it means when I’m not masking and not pouring all that mental energy into observing social etiquette.
And when having a conversation, I’d really love to know how much the other person wants to know.
If it’s just an icebreaker, we can do that.
If it’s a nice little chat about things, we can do that.
If it’s a full on deep dive into how we feel, we can do that.
But it’s the knowing how much the other person really wants that I struggle with.
Because when I’ve asked people how they are and gotten an, “I’m fine” in response when they don’t seem fine or when I’d like to know more, has felt disappointing because I’m always up for a good chat.
I don’t mind if it gets emotional or a bit challenging.
I yearn for that genuine connection.
But I also don’t want to dump everything on them when that’s not what they were asking for.
While I don’t expect the world to turn on a dime and start suddenly accepting completely unmasked autistic people, just specifying whether you want the headlines or the really deep stuff makes a huge difference to me (and probably other autistic people), because I can really struggle with that social filter.
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