When we think about attraction, we usually picture that spark that draws two people together.
Maybe it’s that flutter in the stomach or a heart-racing moment, but attraction is beautifully complex and doesn’t always fit into a single box.
In fact, there are multiple types of attraction that we experience, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes in different relationships, and sometimes in ways that we don’t even realise.
Understanding the nuances between romantic, sexual, platonic, and aesthetic attraction can deepen your understanding of relationships and even your own identities.
In romance land, each type can be present in unique ways, impacting characters, dynamics, and even storylines. So, I thought it’d be fun to dive into each type of attraction, tracing a bit of its history and seeing how it shapes relationships today.
Romantic attraction is what we typically think of when we hear “attraction”.
It’s the desire to be close to someone, to spend time together, and to build a life that might include intimacy, commitment, and shared goals.
In a romantic attraction, there’s a craving for emotional closeness, partnership, and a deep connection that goes beyond friendship.
Historically, marriage and romantic partnerships were often about alliances and survival rather than the emotional closeness we associate with romance today.
The idea of marriage for love only began to gain traction in Western societies around the 18th century. Before that, marriage and relationships were more pragmatic, serving family or societal interests rather than personal desires.
Today, we see romantic attraction as a foundation for a relationship, but there are growing conversations around people who don’t feel romantic attraction in the traditional sense.
As discussions around sexuality expand, many people find themselves identifying on the asexual spectrum, meaning they experience little to no sexual attraction.
People who identify as aromantic, for example, form close relationships without the need for the romantic bond that many of us expect in our relationships.
And for asexual people, sexual attraction doesn’t factor into their relationships in the same way, yet they may still experience other types of attraction—romantic, platonic, or aesthetic—which shape their relationships just as deeply.
By broadening our definition of meaningful relationships beyond the conventional narrative, we open ourselves up to a whole spectrum of human connection.
Sexual attraction is a physical or sexual desire for someone.
It’s a drive that plays a powerful role in many romantic relationships (but not all).
It’s that electric feeling that might make a character’s pulse race or their skin tingle, adding intensity and depth to a relationship.
Sexual attraction often pairs with romantic attraction, but it doesn’t always have to.
Throughout history, sexual attraction has been both celebrated and stigmatised, depending on the culture, time period, and context.
Only the 19th century has achieved the distinction of being a “sexual epoch”, but this is a narrow view of history.
In pop culture, the Victorian era has found a central place as a period of excessive sexual austerity, repression and prudery.
Victorian sexuality has been depicted as a period of Puritan moralism that was an inevitable reaction against the aristocratic libertinism of the 18th century.
Queen Victoria’s insistence on propriety and respectability seemed, to nineteenth-century moral reformers and twentieth-century historians alike, to define the age that bore her name.
And this Victorian moral rectitude wasn’t confined to England — these values and anxieties were shared on both sides of the Atlantic.
For the early historians of Victorian sexuality, however, this was also an age of hypocrisy. Social conventions made discussion of sex, sexuality and bodily functions taboo, but at the same time pornography and prostitution flourished.
The sexual puritanism of the middle classes drove sex underground, creating a split in Victorian culture, public prudery masking a flourishing trade in vice.
Some historians see the new sexual morality as the creation of a sober, austere, self-controlled and frugal middle class, whose ideas gradually held sway over other classes in Britain, Europe and America.
Victorianism came to dominate the ideas, habits and social conventions of the entire society but, sexual desire could never entirely be tamed and it found outlets in the flourishing vice trade.
Or consider the Tang Dynasty in ancient China (618–907 AD), which offers a very different perspective on sexual attraction and relationships.
During this period, there was a remarkable openness toward sexuality, beauty, and romance, especially among the elite and within the arts.
In Tang China, romantic poetry and art celebrated both romantic and sexual attraction, with poets like Li Bai and Du Fu capturing themes of longing, sensuality, and the beauty of human connection.
Women, especially those in the elite, enjoyed relative freedom, and the era was marked by a relaxed attitude toward love and sexuality. It wasn’t uncommon for women to pursue their own romantic or sexual relationships, and courtesans held respected social positions.
In this environment, sexual and romantic attraction was viewed as natural, even celebratory, with an emphasis on pleasure and beauty that embraced attraction in all its forms.
Homosexuality was never strongly condemned in ancient China, and even many emperors through the ages had such predilections.
In the Han dynasty, almost every emperor had “men of beauty” to accompany him, and in the Wei, the Jin and the Northern and Southern Dynasties, such relationships even spread among the people.
And Ancient Greece had a complex relationship with same-sex attraction, especially among men.
While it may not have been “celebrated” in the way we might think today, same-sex relationships, particularly between older and younger men (pederasty), were woven into Greek cultural norms and accepted as part of society, especially in educational and mentorship contexts.
These relationships were often depicted in art, literature, and mythology, suggesting that they were integrated into the social fabric rather than hidden or stigmatised.
However, it’s important to note that the nature of these relationships varied by city-state, period, and social class, and they weren’t universally romantic or sexual.
In Athens, for instance, pederasty involved an older man, usually in a mentorship role, with a younger boy, with an expectation of mutual respect and the eventual maturation of the younger partner into an adult citizen. These relationships were bound by social rules and were largely seen as formative experiences.
On the other hand, romantic and sexual relationships between adult men or between women were less frequently discussed or depicted, though they were still recognised.
In Thebes, a city-state in Greece, the Sacred Band—a military unit composed of 150 pairs of male lovers—was celebrated as one of the most effective fighting forces, thought to be strengthened by the bonds of affection between the men.
So, while Ancient Greece didn’t celebrate same-sex attraction in the modern sense of open, equal relationships regardless of gender, it did have a notable degree of acceptance, especially compared to the stricter norms of later periods in Western history.
Platonic attraction is the desire to form a close, affectionate bond with someone without any romantic or sexual undertones.
It’s what you feel for a close friend you want to spend time with, someone you feel truly at ease with and can trust deeply.
Plato (yes, the philosopher) first conceptualised platonic love, describing it as a type of love that transcends physical attraction and focuses instead on intellectual and emotional connection.
Over time, this idea of platonic attraction became something distinct from other types of affection.
Today, we see platonic love as an important part of our social world, where friendships can be as vital and impactful as any romantic relationship.
In stories, platonic attraction can create bonds between characters that feel as intense and life-changing as romance.
Friendships that last through thick and thin, where friends support and love each other unconditionally, show how platonic attraction can play out with as much depth and importance as any romance.
Aesthetic attraction is the appreciation of someone’s appearance or physical attributes without any desire for romantic or sexual involvement.
This could mean admiring someone’s beauty, style, or unique look.
It’s about the visual appreciation, often without the urge to act on it in any way.
Aesthetic attraction can often be confused with other types of attraction, especially sexual attraction, but they’re quite different.
You might find someone stunningly beautiful without feeling a pull towards them romantically or sexually.
This type of attraction has grown more visible in recent years, particularly with social media, where admiration for appearance is often celebrated independently of deeper relationships.
How the different types of attraction play out in romance.
In romance, these types of attraction often overlap, creating complex, multi-dimensional relationships.
For example, characters might experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction, leading to deep, committed relationships that are emotionally fulfilling without a physical component.
Or, two characters might share a strong sexual attraction but find that they don’t connect on a romantic level, resulting in tension and exploration within the story.
Some relationships in romance novels focus on platonic attraction that evolves into something romantic, showing how friendship can be a foundation for love.
Others might portray aesthetic attraction as the spark that draws two people together, even if their journey takes them beyond mere physical admiration.
In real life and fiction alike, attraction is rarely clear-cut.
And by understanding the different ways people can feel drawn to each other, we can appreciate the diversity of human connection and see how every type of attraction has its own value.
Why understanding attraction matters.
For many of us, understanding attraction helps us better know ourselves and our relationships.
By recognising that attraction doesn’t always look or feel one way, we open ourselves up to new possibilities, connections, and relationships that honour who we truly are.
Knowing the different types of attraction reminds us that love and connection come in many shapes.
And it doesn’t matter if you’re crafting characters for a story or reflecting on your own relationships, embracing this range of attraction types, rather than a narrow binary definition of who and what people can be – enriches our understanding of both the characters we create and the lives we lead.
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