And the tricky thing about burnout that once you’ve been there, like an addict, you’re more likely to go there again.
Even when you’ve done the deep inner work that healing from burnout requires, there’s nothing but you stopping you from going back to that brink and diving right off it.
The first time, I burned out in performing art school at the age of 18. I was pushing myself physically and mentally, with 12-hour days, no rest and trying to cope under an incredible amount of pressure.
It was driven by a lot of unresolved issues, such as seeking validation externally, that could have been helped by seeing a therapist, but that wasn’t a thing back then.
Especially, in this country, with this post-war (yes, I’m aware it’s been nigh on 70 years since rebuilding, but the legacy is strong), it’s all about gritting your teeth and getting on with it.
The fact that dance and being on stage was an escape and a release didn’t help matters; when the thing that’s raising you up is also the thing that’s going to destroy you (because you don’t know how to draw healthy boundaries).
It can be tempting, in our goal-oriented society, to push ourselves beyond our capacities in pursuit of success. But when we do this we tell ourselves that our work is more important than our health. Without our health our success means nothing. No promotion, no raise, no accolade will mean anything if you aren’t happy and healthy.
— Olivia Kram
Once you’ve fallen into the dark pit of burnout and have crawled your way out of it, one slow, agonising day at a time, the rest of your life is a practise in stringing those days together until you get an entire necklace.
And there are times when you’re going to loosen your grip and times when you’re going to lose your fragile string of beads to the wind.
That’s when you have to start over, go back to the basics.
Force yourself to learn how to do the simple, daily things again, even as you’re dogged by the frustration that you’ve already done this, you know how to do it.
But when you fall off the wagon, the only way back is to reboot the program.
And every time you get near that point-of-no-return, you think the same damn thing; it’s not that bad.
Yeah, it’s that bad.
But you’ll do anything to convince yourself otherwise. Because who’s stupid enough to fall into that same trap again?
When I say that once you’ve burned out, you’re more likely to relapse, I mean it.
I’ve been on my burnout break now for almost a month, and I’m still struggling with some very basic things in daily life.
Yeah, this mofo darkness has a part to play in it, but that makes it even more crucial to ease off and not push.
So, I’m not writing or looking at the book until next year.
Instead, I’m on a knitting/crocheting spree and binging Netflix.
And focusing on having conversations, real conversations, not just occasional messages online, with people. Nourishing, lengthy conversations that may or may not lead anywhere, but for which I commit to being present.
Because loneliness is dispelled by connection. And conversations create connection.
What I really want, is to make life like in the song Vacation by Dirty Heads:
A-a-ay, I'm on vacation
Every single day 'cause I love my occupation
A-a-ay, I'm on vacation
If you don't like your life, then you should go and change it
Yeah. Easier said than done when you’ve been to burnout town before as well as work for yourself (and work from home).
I have to force my thoughts away from the story and the writing.
Or rather, the productive performance of it, because I’ve started feeling like I’m never going to write fiction again.
My creativity feels as dead as the plants on my windowsill.
Every time I think about work, I feel like the colours drain from the world. I think everything I’ve done is shit. That I’m shit.
Then I catch myself. I know I’m not a bad writer, I’ve got a track record that proves my inner critic wrong. But not before she gets that dark storm cloud to form over my head.
After that, it’s just remembering to breathe. Remembering gratitude. Finding those outlets that help dispel the negative energy.
And remembering to steer clear of the triggers so long as they’re triggering and I’m not managing them well.
Don’t do burnout, kids. It sucks. Especially, don’t do it in the months leading up to the winter equinox, because that just makes everything so much worse.
All the love, all the power,
Starsheep
Burnout is nature’s way of telling you you’ve been going through the motions, but your soul has departed.
— Sam Keen
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